What? You thought that you were going to get an actual MLB Mock draft to start April? Well too diddly darn bad!
Okay, in all seriousness, yes, you will get one later in the month, but as of now, I’ve decided to take a page out of Walter Football’s book and make an April Fools mock draft. Anything goes here, so let’s begin.
1. Philadelphia Phillies:
Matt Klentak had two areas he planned to focus on when it came to the draft. One was pitching, the other was bringing people into the seats at Citizens Bank Park. Considering how new he is to the GM position, and the fact that he has a reputation of making incredibly questionable draft decisions to uphold, he decided to go with a pick that would make experts go “huh?” So when he called in his pick. it was understandable that Rob Manfred, after reading the card, was clearly confused. “With the first pick in the 2016 First Year Player Draft, the Philadelphia Phillies select EDP445, a YouTuber from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.”
“We feel that EDP445 brings us a certain… entertainment factor that will draw people to Phillies games. We’re prepared to accelerate his minor league development so that he can be ready in time for Opening Day 2017, and hope that he will give us at least 5 years worth of profanity laced tirades, with a lot of shouting and cursing out the coaching staff.” Klentak said. When asked how he was able to get him to balance his Eagles fandom with his Phillies fandom, Klentak remarked, “We tend to think of him as a two sport YouTuber. Hey, it worked for Bo Jackson, didn’t it?”
After he was drafted, EDP445 uploaded a Youtube video, with him decked out in Phillies gear. “MATT KLENTAK!? WHAT THE F***!!!!? WHY WOULD YOU DRAFT A SORRY A** N**** LIKE ME? ARE YOU ON CRACK HOMIE!? BECAUSE I WANT SOME OF THAT S*** THAT YOU’RE SMOKIN’!”
2. Cincinnati Reds:
Reeling from what could only be described as one of the worst offseasons in team history, the Reds were in need of a serious talent infusion. But Walt Jocketty had a plan for this.
“You see, I had this cow that I had to sell, and a farmer just happened to come along. He offered me some Magic Beans in exchange for the cow, to which I agreed, but only on the condition that he also took my shirt and tie as well, with my pants to be named later. Jocketty explained, He followed that up with “Is it just me, or is it kind of cold in here?”
After showing the media his prized talent acquisition. one member of the Cincinnati Enquirer remarked that Jocketty had just gotten a handful of jelly beans. At this, Jocketty turned pale, and silently left the stage muttering about how he was getting too old for this.
3. Atlanta Braves:
John Coppolella’s magical offseason was highlighted by the shocking acquisition of 2015 first overall pick Dansby Swanson as well as Los Angeles Angels top prospect Sean Newcomb. Some would say that the moves he made had a hint of thievery, but according to the Braves GM, there was actually something else.
“Magic”, he explained. “In fact, we decided to draft a magician to help bolster our ability to swindle top prospects away from our competitors. Say hello to J. Daniel Atlas, of the Four Horsemen.” At this, a young man appeared out of thin air and bowed.
When asked what his secret was, Atlas smirked and said, “Always be the smartest guy in the room.” A minute later, ESPN reported breaking news that Matt Harvey, Noah Syndergaard, Jacob deGrom and Michael Conforto were headed to Atlanta in exchange for Erick Aybar. Mets GM Sandy Alderson, who later saw the news, reportedly contacted the FBI to demand they launch a criminal investigation. When they interrogated Atlas, he remarked, “Always be the smartest guy in the room.” He casually walked out, leaving the interrogator chained to his desk and his partner miming playing the violin.
4. Colorado Rockies
The Rockies were going to improve their farm system with the fourth overall pick in the draft, but then someone brought a joint into the scouting department meetings, and suddenly everything shifted direction.
A clearly stoned Jeff Brdich stumbled out of the conference room at one point, laughing at himself and mumbling, “Y-y’know wha… what would go great here? W-we should get a pot shop here. Y’know, it’d get a loooooooot of people throu…. through the doors here. I- I mean sure they won’t know what the hell is going on, but we’d get a lot of people here.”
He then turned to a reporter with the still smoking joint in his hand. “Heeeeey, kemosabe. Wanna puff? This stuff is amazing.” He then proceeded to stumble down the hall, looking for the restroom.
5. Milwaukee Brewers
The Milwaukee Brewers, realizing that they had a golden opportunity fall into their lap, practically ran to the phone to call in their pick, at least according to new GM David Stearns. “I mean how often do you see this type of scenario happening?”
With the fifth pick, the Brewers selected Jason Groome, the promising lefty starter from Barnegat High School in New Jersey. Groome, who happened to be in Studio 42 at draft day, however wasn’t pleased. “What just happened? Did I just stumble into a universe devoid of logic and reason? Am I seriously the fifth overall pick?” Still, Groome reluctantly accepted the Brewers jersey presented to him, flinching as if he was putting on a suit made of Gympie Gympie leaves. As he went to shake hands with Commissioner Rob Manfred. MLB Network caught him mouthing to no one in particular. “Well that’s it, I’m going to Vanderbilt. Screw you guys.”
Two months later, a visibly fatter Stearns was found in his office, a bottle of tequila in one hand and a half eaten brat in the other. He kept saying, “Only in F***ing Milwaukee. Only in F***ing Milwaukee does this s*** happen.”
6. Oakland Athletics
Having finally gotten fed up with the fact that the A’s had been operating on a shoestring budget, and dealing with the constant debate over whether moneyball actually works, Billy Beane instructed his new GM, David Forst to make a splash on draft day. And what a splash he made. as Forst ended up picking an energetic socialist from Vermont to help the team out in the future.
When it was announced that Bernie Sanders would be the newest Oakland Athletics star, A’s fans rejoiced. One fan, a University of California-Berkeley student, was quoted, saying “He’s the answer. He’s an outsider, and he’ll make sure that the big spending teams that win titles year after year give their titles to this team. Furthermore, he’s going to force the wealthy teams to pay for the poorer teams free agents, and considering we haven’t made a free agent splash in years, it’s gonna be fun.”
She followed that up with an enthusiastic, “Feel the Bern, baby!” When asked how Sanders was going to force teams to do this, she immediately turned angry and stormed away, screaming “Stop triggering me you bigot! Who the hell appointed you to this position anyway!?” The president of Cal-Berkeley issued a statement the following day saying that his students were unfairly targeted by the media, and that a media blackout had been enforced on campus.
7. Miami Marlins
Fed up with the constant mismanagement of the Marlins, ironically, by his own hand, Jeffery Loria finally agreed to step down as owner. With that sudden change, GM Michael Hill’s draft strategy suddenly became clearer, and so with the seventh overall pick, the Marlins chose a new and energetic owner to run the team.
“We believe that Mark Cuban is the answer to getting the fans into Marlins park. He clearly knows what he’s doing, as evidenced by what he’s done with the Dallas Mavericks. Plus, he’s had experience advising young startups before. Plus his name, Mark Cuban. It’s like we’re encouraging our Cuban American population to come to the games again.” Hill exclaimed, barely containing his excitement.
Cuban said he was ready to get to work immediately. “You know, based on my work at Shark Tank, I think I can figure out how to run this team without having to do a fire sale every five years. This is going to be a blast!” His first game didn’t go so well, though as he was caught screaming at umpire Jim Wolf about what he thought was a missed call. He was later fined $10,000 for complaining about the umpiring on Twitter.
8. San Diego Padres
Padres GM AJ Preller has been feeling heat ever since his grand vision of 2015 completely crashed and burned around him. In fact, both the fanbase and ownership had been pressuring him to make a splash.
“They asked me to make a splash in the draft, and immediately what came to mind was Splash Brothers, you know, Steph Curry and Klay Thompson?” Preller said. “So I got in touch with the Golden State Warriors, but they flat said no, leaving me with my you-know-what in my hand”.
Preller then went to his next best option, find the Steph Curry of baseball. It didn’t take him long, as SEC Network, a subsidiary of ESPN, which is contractually obligated to keep stroking the real Steph Curry’s ego, called a small centerfielder from the University of Missouri by the name of Jake Ring, the Steph Curry of SEC Baseball. “At that, I said that’s our guy and focused all attention on him.” Preller said.
Minutes after the pick was announced, Padres message boards were flooded with 95-96 Bulls jokes, and Steph Curry’s ego chafed from being stroked too hard.
In an unrelated note, MinorLeagueMadhouse has been purchased by ESPN with terms of the deal stating that Steph Curry must be mentioned at least six times per article.
9. Detroit Tigers
Owner Mike Ilitch has long stated that he wants the Tigers to win the World Series before he dies, and despite several chances to do so, the Tigers have come up short repeatedly. For new GM Al Avila, this gave him an idea on what to do with the ninth overall selection.
“So I got in touch with the folks at Oculus Rift and SCEA San Diego, and we decided that our draft pick would be used on a Simulated World Series Victory. All we have to do is get Mr. Ilitch to put on the Oculus headset and he can watch the final out of the World Series.”
When asked about how they planned to get Ilitch to put on the headset, Avila shrugged and said, “I don’t know, he’s a bit of a technophobe, we may just have to set up a box trap or something with a Little Caesar’s Pizza.
Ilitch later responded, “Avila can keep his dadgumed technology and his dadgumed pizza trap. I’d rather die than eat that crap, and I’d rather eat that crap before I put on any dadgumed virtue-al realy-ty headset!” When asked why he’d trash his own franchise, he replied. “I own the danged chain, it doesn’t mean I eat that garbage! It prob’ly gives you a third nipple or something!”
10. Chicago White Sox
In the wake of the Adam LaRoche fiasco, White Sox Executive VP Ken Williams was left picking up the pieces in what was a horribly overblown fiasco. “Honestly, I feel like I’m the one who should apologize, because I basically told a guy that I’m paying $13 million that he couldn’t have his son around”.
In response to that, the White Sox drafted a new state-of-the-art daycare center, which is expected to debut some time during the 2017 season. “We’ve even gone the extra step by inviting Adam and Drake to come back, in fact we’re even thinking of naming it the Drake LaRoche Player’s Children Care Center. Heck, Adam’s even invited to be the first to bring snacks!”
When asked about the White Sox decision, LaRoche replied, “I get what Ken is trying to do, but he’s not going to get me back, no, in order to do that he has to draft Drake first overall and make him the team’s starting second baseman. And forget the locker in the clubhouse, he wants a play fort! And while we’re at it, I want my wife and daughter to have play forts in the clubhouse too!”
Williams could only shake his head upon hearing LaRoche’s new demands. “Like I pissed away $13 million. What a man-child!”
11. Seattle Mariners
Frustrated with the constant failures that the Mariners have produced through drafting, GM Jerry DiPoto decided to try a different approach when it came to his first round pick this year.
“It took a fair amount of persuading, and admittedly a considerable amount of begging, but I was able to use the Mariners’ first round pick on the most surefire chance at success, a guy who’s already reached the pinnacle of his career, and he’s only 24. Meet the future of the Mariners’ organization, Bryce Harper!”
Harper would end up struggling, get sent down to the minors, where he would never regain his hitting stroke, and retired at Single-A Clinton after three years.
DiPoto was later found at the top of a Christmas Tree in downtown Seattle, throwing pinecones at rescue workers and screaming obscenities at those who tried to get him to come down.
12. Boston Red Sox
One of the greatest anomalies of our time will always be how the Boston Red Sox managed to win the 2013 World Series after a terrible 2012 season, and yet has not figured out how to capitalize on that success. Heck, when I’ve asked Siri, I’ve received an ERROR! DOES NOT COMPUTE! message. This is usually followed by the smell of burnt toast.
Thankfully, Mike Hazen, fresh into his new tenure as Red Sox GM, decided to answer mine, and possibly many other fan’s questions by drafting a Team of Scientists to explain how the Red Sox won in 2013, and how they can duplicate the success.
Minutes into discussion, one of the scientists abruptly quit and jumped out a nearby window. A second ended up running headfirst repeatedly into a concrete wall. The remaining two decided to become stereotypical Red Sox fans, adopting Boston accents and chugging Sam Adams while watching the game on TV.
13. Tampa Bay Rays
The Tampa Bay Rays have long been plagued by low attendance, mainly because their stadium is a cavernous dome more suited for a tomb. Because of this, the Rays have been constantly looking for a way to bring up attendance.
Earlier in March, the Rays played an exhibition game against the Cuban National team. “For us this was a scouting trip.” GM Matthew Silverman told reporters. “No, not for Cuban players, Actually we plan to draft the City of Havana to be our new DH… No, not designated hitter, honestly are you people listening? Yes, we’re still going to be the Tampa Bay Rays…No, President Obama hasn’t exactly approved this yet… No, neither has Castro… Good God, will you idiots stop bothering me?”
14. Cleveland Indians
The perpetual factory of sadness in Cleveland may be based in FirstEnergy Stadium, but that doesn’t mean that its fumes don’t occasionally waft over to Progressive Field every so often. For GM Mike Chernoff, he felt the need to take a page out of the Browns playbook in order to break the spell.
“I talked to the Browns GM, Sonny Weaver, and he told me, as much as you’d like to go for that flashy kid from Wisconsin that everyone’s talking about, you should always go for Vontae Mack, no matter what.” Chernoff said. “Of course, Weaver also told me that I should consider making a deal with Seattle in which I trade away my three first round picks in the next three years, but considering you can’t trade picks in the MLB draft, I decided to just stick with drafting Mack. Though I did end up phoning Jerry DiPoto to call him a pancake eating motherf***er.”
There are no plans for the Indians to try and grab Ray Jennings later in the draft.
15, Minnesota Twins
The Minnesota Twins are no stranger to drafting home state talent, especially when it is elite. Joe Mauer, a St. Paul native, has served as the franchise face for the past 11 years. It came as no surprise that the Twins didn’t hesitate to draft their next star Minnesotan with the pick.
“For us, it was between this kid at Florida named Logan Shore, or this young shortstop named Snoopy.” GM Terry Ryan commented. “We did like what we saw with Shore, but were really blown away by the funny looking kid. He was the only bright spot on that team, I believe they lost 272-0 that day, but Snoopy really stood out on the field and at bat.”
When one of the reporters remarked that Snoopy looked like a beagle, Ryan shrugged. “You know, this wouldn’t be the first time we’ve pushed the envelope, after all, in 1994 we had a 12-year-old managing our team.”
16. Los Angeles Angels
Knowing full well that the Angels farm system was in need of a serious overhaul, GM Billy Eppler decided to utilize a rarely employed strategy when it came to making his selection.
The strategy, known only as project motor mouth, required the use of a guest pick announcer, who looked and sounded like the man from the Micro Machines Commercials. Commissioner Rob Manfred invited the guest speaker to the podium, announced as former Angels player, Johnny Moschitta, who proceeded to clear his throat and read the selection.
Withthe16thoverallpickinthefirstyearplayerdraftthelosangelesangelsselectAjPukCoreyRayRileyPintNickSenzelBlakeRutherfordMickeyMoniakJordanSheffieldConnorJonesandChrisOkey. Moschitta then stepped off the stage as Pint, Rutherford, and Moniak, who were all attending the draft, were handed jerseys. Commissioner Manfred could only stand mouth agape as he took the group photo. Meanwhile, in the Angels war room, Eppler was frantically putting together contracts for his newly drafted players. “There’s no rule that says that you have to take only one player. So we decided to get the Micro Machines guy to draft us a new farm system.” Contracts were overnighted to the players while Manfred was still in a stupor in order to ensure they signed quickly.
17. Houston Astros
Despite finally fielding a successful team after years of failures, the Houston Astros still felt that they were vulnerable, especially in the wake of the team’s servers being hacked. GM Jeff Luhnow was tasked with obtaining one of the best, if not the best security systems money could buy.
“For me, I realized that there was no better system than the one used by the Raccoon Corporation in the Resident Evil movie, particularly the Laser Room.” To provide a demo, he turned on the system and threw a baseball into it, which was sliced cleanly in two. “Nobody will be able to get after hours now!” Luhnow exclaimed, with a maniacal cackle.
A week later, an intern was found outside the offices cut into cubes. He had forgotten his car keys.
18. New York Yankees
After last year’s Wild Card embarrassment to the Houston Astros, the Yankees brass realized that they had somehow lost their edge as the team to beat in New York. Brian Cashman was given free reign to do whatever he wanted with the team’s pick. And boy did his pick make some noise.
The team’s choice of Donald Trump came as surprising and yet expected, considering the Yankees’ rich tastes.
Trump, in his introductory press conference stated that he planned to “Make the Yankees great again”. When asked how he would do that, he said “We’ll start off by building a stadium with a big beautiful door, and have Toronto pay for it, because when Toronto comes to New York, they don’t bring their best. They bring Stroman and Donaldson and hockey fans.” He also pledged to “ban all National League travel to the American League” The conference later devolved into 45 minutes of sexist jokes and self-ego stroking. His press conference was the highest rated program on television that night, beating out the Warriors-Cavaliers NBA Finals game.
Brian Cashman could only sit in the corner with his head in his hands.
19. New York Mets
The Mets decided the time was now to start looking for David Wright’s successor, and the first thing that came to mind was someone who was more dura… OW HEY! WHAT THE… WHO ARE YOU AND HOW DID YOU GET HERE? *CRACK*
Hey folks, it’s your old pal Deadpool here, and apparently some dweeb who writes shitty baseball mock drafts, how f***ing lame is that? decided to have me picked for his… favowwite team. I mean seriously, what the f***? Could his motive for having me, the most awesome comic book character ever fall 19 spots to the Mets be any more telegraphed? It’s like he put up a sign that says, “I’m a huge f***ing tool tool that loves the Mets, so I’m gonna make them awesome with my kickass fan fiction writing skills.” Ha! Hey loser, ever thought of getting a f***ing girlfriend, or are you one of those weirdos that has a Japanese anime character on a pillow… Is that Mr. Met on a f***ing pillow? How f***ing old are you man, 8? Well anyway, gotta go, apparently because of this f***ing April Fools mock, I have to start playing third base for the Mets now. Honestly, can my powers just prevent me from being medium aware? Well, at least I’ve already proven to be a huge box office attraction, should be fun shooting Chase f***ing Utley in the head.
20. Los Angeles Dodgers
The Dodgers have made it very clear that they will use any means necessary in order to win a World Series title, and have decided that the best way to do so is to spend heavily on big name free agents. Of course, the Dodgers know that they need a lot of money, especially when it comes to the 2018 free agent class, so they decided to use their pick for a long term investment.
The Dodgers chose the gold at Fort Knox feeling that there would be sufficient enough funds for them to sign all the major free agents in time for 2019.
“We feel that a long term rebuild would be better for us, and in order to do that, we need to develop our gold prospect in order for it to be be ready for the 2018-19 offseason.” owner Magic Johnson said. When asked how much they valued their gold stack, Johnson replied,
“We feel that we have a pretty good shot at everyone on our priority list, and when we say everyone on our priority list, we mean every good free agent. ”
21. Toronto Blue Jays
Having been offended by Donald Trump’s inflammatory remarks about the Blue Jays after he was selected, the Toronto Blue Jays decided to up the ante, by selecting someone that they feel could help them hold their own against a future Trump-led Yankees.
“We could have drafted Megyn Kelly, but to be honest, we were scared shitless by her.” GM Ross Atkins said. “And of course, we don’t want to scare anyone. So as much as we didn’t want to do this because we feel that he’s a complete and utter hoser, we decided to select Ted Cruz.”
The selection did seem to raise a lot of questions, however. Cruz, who is incredibly old fashioned, was viewed as incapable to adapt to the continually evolving game. “I honestly believe we should do away with the newfangled WAR and sabremetrics, go back to the old fashioned batting average, ERA, home runs! And while we’re at it, get rid of these newfangled sliding pits! I want an all dirt infield! And furthermore, screw this turf stuff, I want to grow my crops on a natural field, not this plastic field!” You know what, let’s get rid of home runs as well!” Cruz then barged out of the press conference and hopped into a horse and buggy, where he proceeded to stop at the post office to send a telegram to Donald Trump. Reports later indicated he expressed an interest in growing a handlebar mustache.
22. Pittsburgh Pirates
Having been the victims of the NL Wild Card game the past two seasons, the Pirates decided to take someone who has had to deal with one-and-dones his whole career, but has consistently proven to be successful.
The team managed to take John Calipari with the 22nd pick, feeling that his experience with one-and-done players would translate well to the Pirates recent trend of one-and-done appearances in the postseason. “I’ve often had to rebuild the majority of my lineup from scratch a year later,” Calipari said, “However, this may be unfamiliar territory for me. I’ve never had to deal with players who have been here on contracts. Anything past two years is practically unheard of for me! But I relish the challenge of using my experience with one-and-dones to turn this Pirates team into a group of winners, and then watch as they all leave via free agency.”
23. St. Louis Cardinals
The Cardinals, the epitome of major league franchises in terms of developing player talent, took a rather unusual approach when it came to making their next selection.
“One of our scouts proposed an interesting challenge, to make an all-star out of literally nothing. So with our 23rd pick, we are choosing nothing.” GM John Mozeliak said. “We feel that nothing can be developed into a quality 3 WAR a year player that will help us in the long term, it’s just where we plan to put nothing on the field. We’ve thought about maybe developing nothing as a catcher, just so that Yadi can be spared a few games before nothing takes over.”
That’s it for today. We will go back to our regularly scheduled programming later in the month. Until then, happy April Fools!